oly1624

Today is Valentine's Day and it's my first one being with someone that I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. When I got to Madison on Thursday, Eric already had 3 pairs of earrings for me and some flowers. It was really sweet of him and although he didn't wrap them, he tried to while putting them in things like a hat and a Subway wrapper. I guess only select few would find that cute, but love will do that to ya, I guess.
I gave him his Sex Dice right then and I think he found them amusing. Friday morning I gave him his blanket as I thought it was the perfect time since the heat was turned off in there house since it's controlled from the basement and some druggie lives down there, and he, along with everyone else, was freezing. I think he likes it, I know it's nice for me since I have something to keep me warm at night when he's hogging all the blankets.
Then we got up at like 10 and Eric went to class around 11 and then again at 1. He said we were going to get lunch at like 3 when he got home from class, but when he did, he went straight to his room and he seemed very distrauht and frustrated. When I asked him what was wrong, he just told me to go away. I hate when he pushes me away like that but there's really nothing I can do to change it. I found out later that he forgot the pin code to his new debit card and that he couldn't access his money, which would probably piss anyone off. He left to go get McDonald's and as I was starving and didn't want to walk all the way down Regent and almost back to the bus station, I just went to Subway down the road. Worked out well enough until Eric didn't get back until like two hours later.
Finally, everyone was just waiting for Devens to get there so that they could go and get the keg to start the party. Now, I like Devens well enough, but I didn't think that many people were going to come to the party. At least, not enough for a whole keg. Right I was as only me, Eric, Devens, Johnny, JP, Marty, Gretel an Carly showed and actually drank a substainal amount. Meg and Justin would have too but they went out to Olive Garden to celebrate their Valentine's Day since Meg had a hockey tournament today and didn't want to drink last night, therefore making Justin go along with her. Later, Ben and his roommate Brian and his girlfriend...Char (?) showed up and drank some. By that time, though, I had enough in me to start getting tired and as I still was feeling kinda shitty from whatever virus is in my body, I just wanted to go to bed.
Eric started to say some of his drunken dumbness and it was pissing me off because I just wanted him and I to go somewhere and go to sleep, though, there wasn't anywhere to go as Johnny and Gretel were in Johnny's room, Brian's crew was in the living room and Meg and Justin were doing God know's what in his and Eric's room. I hate the fact that Justin and Eric have to share a room an it's pretty inconveinent, but there's really nothng can do about it. I staredto cry because I didn't feel good and I just wanted to go to bed and I'm finding that I get pretty emotional when I drink around Eric. It's just that everytime I come to Madison, the less I want to leave when the end of the weekend comes around. It's almost like I shouldn't come at all because it just makes me depressed to leave each time and I can't afford that right now. I told Eric this when we were alone in the kitchen and almost got away until he told me to come to him. I did, and he held me in his arms which just made me cry harder. I love being in those arms. I love feeling protected and like the world doesn't exist when I'm with him. He even said that to me as he whispered to me that nothing bad can happen to me when I'm with him, I know that right? I want to cry right now just thinking about it. It means so much to me that he would even say those words to me and I doubt he'll ever really know how much I love him. It hurts to love someone this much.

I'm pretty sure we're going out to eat tonight for Vday. Maybe to Olive Garden again? I sure hope so, I love my pasta almost as much as Eric ;)

Nah, not really. My heart wouldn't be able to handle that much love.

I almost want to go back to school, I'm so bored at home. Now that Eric's back at school, I feel like I'm jut wasting time here. Mom wants me to think about staying home for the semester and starting over next year, but I don't feel like that would be a good idea in the least. If I stopped going to school now, I'm not sure I would ever get the motivation to go back and then there goes my dreams of becoming a clinical psychologist.
Speaking of clinical psychology, that was one of the presents Eric got me for Christmas; a How-To book regarding Clinical Psychology. I found it cute and nice that he actually listens to what I have to say unlike some other boyfriends that I hear about. He also got me a Brewers shirt for when we go to Brewers games this summer and lastly, he got my a Journey Pendant with my birthstones in it. It's abosolutely gorgeous and I haven't taken it off since he gave it to me. Eric said that I could take the fish necklace off now, but that I had to have one of the necklaces on at all times. It makes me smiling knowing that he cares that much.

Eric's house in Madison had its pipes burst over break, so now they need a whole new kitchen. I didn't ask, but Marty's room is probably completely destroyed too as it's located right next to the kitchen. Eric texted me last night saying 'My Jen. I miss my Jen.' and 'Losing it, babe.' When I asked him what that second one meant this morning, he said that he was losing it because his house is a mess and he misses waking up next to me every morning. I really needed to hear something like that.

Mom's going to let me buy a few shirts online from Forever21.com in a few minutes. Hopefully I can convince her to go a little overboard as I NEED more clothes. Since going on birth control and going to college, I've definitely gained a bunch of weight and a lot of my clothes don't fit me any longer. But I don't want to get into tha right now. Too depressing.

Speaking of weight gain, yesterday was my three year anniversary of starting my recovery. Crazy, huh? It's weird to think about how things were three years ago compared to how things are today. In some ways, things haven't changed at all and in others, things couldn't be more different. It's strange to think about how much can change and happen in three years. I wonder what will happen in the next three?...

There's something in my life that's missing but I can't put my finger on wht it is. So I'm starting to write in here again in hopes that I can find it, can place a label on what's making me feel like I'm not whole when verything in my life seems to be just fine, if not good.

I'm having a major breakdown tonight. It was such an amazing break with Eric and now that's it over and I don't know when I'm gong to be able to see him again, my heart is just breaking. We both slept over at one another's houses and spent pretty much everyday together. It was like it was the summer again when it was just him and me against the world before school, and friends, and family, and separation got in the way. I miss those days, the days before I started college, the days when Eric and I were just getting to know one another.

Eric has been spending the past two days with his family as they're celebrating their Christmas now as everyone is home and Eric's not in jail. But on Thursday night, Eric spent the day/night over at my house and it was probably one of the best days we've ever had together. He came over at like 2ish after his last Alcohol Counseling Meeting and we spent the afternoon/night drinking, watching Disney movies, going in the hot tub, playing scrabble and having sex. It was comfortable and secure and I miss that feeling. It's almost like I want to wrap the feelig up in a box so I can release it whenever I'm feeling lonely and unwanted by the rest of the world.

But he just went online so he can help me throuh my panic attack so I'll write more later.

I really need to post to this more than every like 2 weeks because when I do, it's just a crapload of info. Oh well. No one reads this but me.

So school started. It was hard seeing Brian. And then we all decided to have a party on my house last Saturday to drink for the first time. The rules? Everyone had to sleep over. Opal, Zach, NIkki, Cory and Mia found out about it and got all mad, and are still kind of mad, but Liz, Brian, joe, Kara, Sami, zach, kelly and jimbo came over. All stayed the night except for kara, sami and zach (who I made sure didn't drink (much) before they left).

So here we are, a bunch of kids who never really do anything wrong...except for Kelly who sleeps with everything with legs and Joe who does whateves he wants because his parents don't care of watch over him. Zach, Sami and Kara left around 11:30 and we had just been drinking a little bit, nothing at all really, and to be honest, I was kind of bored. They left and all of a sudden, Joe was all over me. I was sitting on his lap, and God, did I miss kissing him. I didn't understand it. Why did Kara win again? Why does the girl that treats the boy like shit, get him in the end? Well we were all just sitting around goofing off and Joe and I kept talking and kinda sitting close and all that. then the boys wanted to go in the hot tub, so we went in. By this time, my stomach was starting to hurt so I slowed down on the drinking (it was my first time, and I had had a couple cups full of UV Blue and Mouontain Dew) and we stayed in there for awhile...the whole time Brian and Liz pretty much all over each other. That started to piss me off. I guess they have a thing for each other now or something...or did. idk. But it's so weird. Where did that come from? And wasn't she the one who told me how bad he was for me this whole time? Well, I finally let it go for awhile and decided to not worry about it that night because there was nothing i could do. Brian doesn't want me back and he really was an ass to me for so long...it was time.

But anyways, we get out of the hot tub and then we start to just get plain dumb and play games like truth and dare and spin the bottle (how sad is it that it was my first time playing spin the bottle?). In spin the bottle, I ended up kissing everyone but Brian...haha. Then in truth and dare they were all sexual questions and stuff like that. I got asked by Jimbo if I was shaved or unshaved...awkwardddd. Then we decided that we all wanted to make out...who knew that alcohol made you so horny? SO we decided that we were going to split off into three groups of 2 and one of the girls would have to sit out...It was me with Joe in my room, Liz and Brian in Jason's room and Jimbo and Kelly in the hot tub room. I got in my room and memories of me and Brian flashed back...how many times had I taken him in that room and we'd lay under the covers kissing and doing other wonderful stuff? But at the moment in time, I was really happy to be in there with Joe. It's all that I really wanted at the moment. So we went under the covers and we just started making out. He really is a good kisser. Between him and Brian, I don't know who would be better because they are quite different, but with both I just melt. We were dry humping with him on top and then I moved on top and we stopped and laughed for a minute because my bed is so damn creaky. We kept making out past the 10 minutes we got and we thought it was time to go out. We then agreed to switch and I went into my room with Jimbo, Joe with Liz in Jason's room and Brian and sarah in the entertainment area.

I'm not even going to talk about making out with Jimbo. He's the nicest guy...but I never want to touch him with any part of my body again, especially my lips. Not happening. I've only kissed brain and joe and eric, but he was definitely the worst....just sucking on my lip. as;dkjf;asdjkf. gah. Anyways I finally stopped the torture and came out of my room to find sarah and brain under the blanket and I walked over and she jumped up and I saw that brain's pants were off and I felt my blaket and it was wet. Gross. I was actually really mad because I thought that at that time I was still going to get my turn with Brian and I wanted to do stuff with him like we used and haven't done since we broke up. Then the switching stopped and we all just sat and drank some more. Everyone was talking and Joe was getting pissy because he was getting bored and wanted to do something. i told him I wanted to make out with him more so we went back in my bedroom and before anything happened I asked him what this meant. STUPID, but I coudln't help myself. I'm just not a girl who does stuff with a boy, even kissing, and has it mean nothing. I asked him if the next day he was going to go right back to Kara, and he said probably, so I told him I wasn't going to make out with him anymore if that was going to happen, so we left my room.

Going back out in the entertainment area, everyone was laying around getting ready to go to bed. Liz and brian left to sleep in my bed without even asking me and I was so mad but tried to forget about it. kelly and jimbo went in jason's room and did god knows what. Then joe was laying on the floor and sarah was laying next to him. JOe then told me to lay next to him too, so I layed ont he other side. He started poking me and I started poking back and then his hand was just on my stomach. Then he was tracing his finger acorss my stomach and my belly buttom ring. It was driving me crazy. I was so turned on and his fingers were giving me butterflies. I then statrted rubbing his penis outside of his pants. He started going down my pants rubbing my thighs and i went down his pants and started giving him a handjob. He then started fingering me when Sarah came back from the bathroom and he asked her to stay over there for a little bit. he asked me if there was anywhere else we could go. SO we went up to the purple room and finished what we started. I faked an orgasm because I just wasn't into it and I mostly just wanted to kiss him. I then made him cum and we went back downstairs. I was happy. I thought that meant he chose me. that he liked me.

Let's make a long story short. I went to school, kara found out, got mad. Joe barely talking to me. Everyone found out...it just wasn't a good story.
Things are back to normal now and everything is fine. So I can breathe now, right?

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Next week is homecoming week. It's been a big deal trying to get a date this week. I was really hoping that Joe would as me but that was a long shot. Lauren asked Brian. That almost makes me want ot spit in her face. It's ridiculous and it makes me sick. It's going to go one of two ways...a) They'll finally get together like they've wanted, which will make Lauren look like a huge hyprocrite, and I won't even be able to talk to Brian because it will hurt too much...or b) she'll use him when it's convenient and then walk all over him like she always does, which will leave Brian broken-hearted and sad.
I'm so over it.

I helped Liz get a date. She's going to Jimbo.
Opal and Zach and Sami and Zach, of course. Nikki and Cory's first homecoming together. Mia with Dillin. Kelly with Dan. I guess Kara and Joe decided they're going together today (when I talked ot him about it, he did not seem excited in the least, but whatever. I was talking ot him yesterday and he was talking about how he didn't know if he wanted ot get back with kara (again) because she said something about all the time when they did stuff together, she always felt forced and that mad him mad)and Brad asked me yesterday.

I was talking to Linsday at work and she was helping me try to figure out who I should go with. brads name came up and I said I'd go with him if he asked me, but I doubted he would. We've never talked before and I've just started saying a few words to him the past weeks because we have hours 2-4 together. Then Lindsay got information and found out that he was actually planning on asking me. That was on Friday. Nothing all weekend. I came on Monday and talked to her and she said that he tol dher flat out that he was asking me and she could even tell me that. Then I heard that Kelly asked him if he had a date and he kinda shook his head yes and she asked who and he's like I don't want ot talk about it. but Chin I need to talk to you (he was sitting at a table with Brian)...so I guess he talked to Brain about it asking for his persmission or something...so dumb. I'm not brian's "property" or "territory" anymore. But Brain was a good protective ex boyfriend and told him that we shoudl and we'd have fun. So then yesterday I was walking into the cafeteria for study hall when he was walking out and he kinda of stopped me and then I touched his stomach (don't ask me why) and I was 'where are your abs?' I do this to all boys...it's my way of breaking the ice, joking around with them and getting to touch them...and he asked me if I had a date to homecoming yet and I said no and then he asked me if I would want to go with him and I told him I would love to.

Let's make a long story short, again...So far he's a good guy. Not super popular like Joe and Brian. Not as outgoing. Not as funny. But he's cute and he's got a nice smile and he's nice.
But he's not Brian or Joe.
Which is dumb and I have to get over that.
But it's hard.
We'll see what happens.

I'm at a moment where I really just hate everyone and everything.
It's all just so dumb and I can't even take it anymore.

I haven't talked to Brian in days, and whenever we do talk, we usually fight or bicker and I hate it. It's not only that I've lost my boyfriend...I've lost my best friend, and that's what sucks most of all. I miss him. More than I can really put into words.

And then there's Joe. Is it odd that I like him about as much as I liked Brian in the beginning? And that's a whole lot...We've been hanging out and it's been great. Then he came over Saturday night and we went to a movie and then we came back to my house. We were watching Cruel Intentions and cuddling on the cough in the basement when all of a sudden I just started straddling him (weird, I know...I guess I'm really not THAT shy when it comes down to it) and we were just talking and laughing. Then I took the blanket we were usually and I put it over his head and I asked him what he was thinking. I then layed my forehead down so it was meshing with his, and he asked me the same question and took the blanket off and then all of a sudden we were kissing. Not just kissing, but full out make out session. It was strange though...not in a 'whoa he's a bad kisser kind of way' but in the whole way that he wasn't Brian and Brian's the only boy I've kissed like that. I've come to the conclusion that Joe's a much better kisser than Brian, but anyways...

So there we are, making out in my basement and all of a sudden, his hands are everywhere. It was probably a really good thing that I had gotten my period that morning or I probably would have let it go alot further...And then he had to go, but before he walked out the door, he bent down and gave me a quick peck...it was probably the most important kiss to me that'd we had all night. Later that night, we were on the computer talking and he told me that he'd had alot of fun hanging out with me lately and especially that night, but he still wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship right away. He said that he still doesn't think that we're THAT close and he thinks we should be closer before we start dating, if we do. I agreed.

Let's just make a long story short, because to be honest, it's going to make me sick to my stomach again if I write it all out...

Joe and Kara might get back together. It's so ridiculous.
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I started writing that a few days ago. Well, they're not back together, but they pretty much are. And Jen loses again. We're not talking about it. We're not talking about the kiss or how something almost happened between us, we're just back on friend terms and I really...nothing right now.

Is it impossible for a boy to love me? Am I so grotesque...so annoying...so..unloveable? I know I'm not the prettiest or the smartest or the funniest, but I don't think that I'm a complete ogre. I try. I really do. Maybe too hard sometimes...that may be it. I just put my whole heart into things and I fall into things to quickly and too easily. I just want everything to be perfect, so I will do whatever it takes so that I'm in a state of contentness.
Mom told me I have to be ok with being alone before I could get in another relationship. but I am ok with being alone...I did it ever since before Brian. I did it all while I was sick. I CAN do it, it's just I don't WANT to do it. It's lonely and I miss having someone who really cared about me. But I can't make anything happen and now I'm just stuck. There's this boy at school that I'm inviting to the party at my house tomorrow and he's really cute. His name is John and everyone is telling me that we'd be really cute together. He went to prom with Nikki and when we all slept over at Cory's afterwards (after I made out and did other stuff with Brian in his dad's car in their driveway at about 3:30 in the morning, of course), I was listening to him and he is really funny. And he has a good voice. I'm a sucker for the voices.

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Blah, I want to write but I have this saved from a draft ^^^ time for new info...

It a mix of feelings. I don't really know where else to turn right now, so maybe if I just write it all down, maybe it'll help organize my thoughts a little...

It pretty much all started when Brian came back from workcamp. I was so excited to see him and he told me that he really wanted to see me too. I went to his house around 4:15ish, but he had been haning out with Austin before that and was on his way home from dropping him off at his house. Either way, I went inside and talked to his parents and w elooked through my senior pictures that I had brought. All of a sudden Brain walked in and I got this huge smile across my face, so did he. And we went downstairs, into our layer where we've spent hours upon hours just him and me. We looked at my pictures and then he went upstairs to get a cd he made me. He came back downstairs and we layed down on the floor with our blanket like we have down countless times before. But he was really quiet and woudln't talk. He told me before he had gotten home that he had lost a little of his feelings for me when he was gone. (The reaosn he told me this is because for months he's been telling me that he's had some small feelings left for Lauren. nothing huge, but still there. And being with her at workcamp all week and me being stuck here and barely being able to talk to him at all during that week...I wasn't suprised even though I was hurt but I just let it go because I was so excited to see him.) As we layed there I asked him if things just didn't feel the same. He didn't say anything. I asked him to say something. He said it was so hard and then he started crying. not just a few tears, but hysetrical sobs. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. Again, he didn't say anything. I started crying to and I asked him again. he said he was so sorry, but he coudln't keep hurting me like he was...by not loving me and by still liking someone else. My heart pretty much stopped. We sat there hugging and crying for a couple of minutes. I knew I should get up with my head held high and walk out of there with dignity, but I didn't want to leave. I couldn't. My body wouldn't move. Finally I got the strength and ran out of the house. I sat in my car and cried. He sat at the front door and cried. We stared at each other and neither one of us moved. We probably went on for that for a good 20 minutes until I finally started the car and drove off. Not knowing where to go, i went to work and walked in there sobbing telling them that something had happened and I wouldn't be able to work that night. Mark got pissed but said fine. I walked out and drove home barely able to breathe the whole time.

I got home and went online. He was on. We talked. We both didn't know what was going on. Tina came and told me I had to stop talking to him. She took me over to her house where My mom and dad were hangin out with Janice and Mike. I went swimming and Tina cut my hair. I was quiet the whole time because I was in a state of a constant anxeity attack that justw oudln't go away. I decided that I had to go out that night. SO I went to Nikkis and we watched movies and then I went home. Brian called that night seeing how I was. I told him I wanted him back. The next morning, I made him this "memory box" wich had pictures and stuff in it...and then asked him if he'd go on a date with me. I put it in his garage and left. I got a call about an hour later and we talked for a bit and then I went over to his house. We sat in his basement and he played videogames the whole time telling me that he was too sad to talk. So I left. And we never did go on that date because he said he was just too confused about everything.

Let's make a long story short...I soon found out that he was using me, lying to me and playing me the whole time. That the whole time he was with me, he was also talking to Lauren. He was telling her how much he wanted to be with her and how he was going ot break up soon with me so that he could be with her. He was using me to gets ome action. I guess that all of the things that we did together, he would never ask of Lauren. Thank God I didn't have sex with him...But it hurts. I tried talking to him, and I was pissed and he told me to ficking calm down..that was so out of line that I coudln't even stand it. He said that alot of it wasn't true. But I didn't know who to believe. He said that some of it was true and that just broke my heart. It actually made me disgusted with him...that someone coudl act that way toward a person. It's so disgusting. it's so wrong and I can't believe that he couldn't see that. When he was at Workcamp, he sent me a text one day saying that they had to go to the cross and forgive someone. He said he forgave himself. At least now I know why...

I've never experienced a broken heart like this. I've been down. I've been so down that death seemed better than living, but this pain I was experiencing was a new kind of low. I always feel as though I'm not good enough. that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or whatever enough...but this just escalated those feelings to a new height. Everyone was saying that it wasn't my fault, but how could that be true? I had to have done something wrong...done too much or something...not enough of something...I had to have been not good enough to make it seem that Lauren was better than me. I couldn't eat for days. I saw that I was losing weight, and of course ED came back telling me that it was a good thing...but I fought him, and I'm eating regularly again.

I don't believe I'm IN love with him anymore. The way he's been treating me and the way he hasn't even really tried to make me feel better about all of this has made me see that he's not the person I thought he was. That maybe all those months he truely did care about me, but he doesn't anymore...and when people change like that, it's hard to hold onto them. That you can't make someone change back into the person that they used to be, only they can do that. And if they are happy with the new person they have become...well fine. But they're going to lose alot of people that cared alot about them.But Brian is always going to have a chunk of my heart. He was my first love. He will always be my first love. Any boy that comes into my life will always be compared to Brian Chin. When I'm old and gray with a husband and children and grandchildren, I'm still going to love him. But just not in the same way.

But then again...I'm finding that I may just be able to fall in love again. Or at least give away some of my heart...Joe. Joe and Kara broke up like a week after Brian and I did. It was a complete shock to me, but I guess it had been coming for awhile. It's such a soap opera with Joe and Brian being best friends and Kara and Brian used to date and me and Kara being friends. It's like this big sqaure with lines crossing all over it. But all of a sudden, joe and I have been talking more than we have in the past 9 months since I transferred to Grafton. Then last Tuesday night, he invited me over to his aunts house (more like a mansion) and we watched tv. All of a sudden, he pulled me over to him and we cuddled. This continued the next couple of days. He finally told me he liked me but he wasn't sure he wanted to jump into a relationship again right away. Ok super. He just makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself. And I'm not scared of the world when I'm around him. I just feel safe...and there aren't alot of people in the world who make me feel that way.

Then yesterday, everyone went over to Joe's aunt's (me,kara,liz,mia,sami,michael,aaron,brian,zach and kelly) and I was wiating to see if Joe would sit by me (we're so used to the group being full of couples -me and brian, joe and kara, zach and sami, zach and opal, liz and aaron... that we're so used to when we settle in to watch a movie for the night, that every couple curls up together...)but the kara plopped down next to joe which made me mad enough, but then Brian showed up and I just got this sick feeling in the stomach. It's not that I like him anymore, but it still pulls at my heartstrings whenever I see him. But the things that he does now don't make me so intrigued anymore but just plain annoyed. Then when I left, I got a text from Joe asking me why I didn't sit by him. I told him I was waiting for him. He then told me that kara talked about wanting to get back together but he wasn't sure he wanted to. Figures. All I said was 'oh' and he's like don't say that I said I don't know if I want to. I told him I just wanted him to be happy so to do whatever would make him. He told me to let him figure it all out. So now I'm playing the waiting game again...which is just so wonderful because I'm such a patient person...

Then this afternoon I went over to his aunt's again before I went to work and we took a walk and went to the park and played and talked. Then we went back to the house and watched tv. I didn't make any moves because I'm just too shy to, so then all of asudden he pulled me over by him. I had to move to get something, and then sat back on my side and he pulled me over again. It felt weird to be in someone's elses arms. Not strange...just different. I'm scared to open myself up again. I'm scared to want him this bad because what if he decides he wants to go back to kara. I might lose again, and I don't know if I can handle that.

Here's to the waiting game...

Ahhh I'm really confused.

I just want to be happy. The thing was, I was supposed to get all better and then life was supposed to be good. It was supposed to be exciting and full of experiences that I had never before got to have.

I want something AMAZING to happen. I think after all of the work that I have done in the past couple of months, I deserve something, right? I worked my ass off and now I'm waiting for something to happen to make me want to jump out of bed in the morning because I am so excited for the day to start.

I'm tired of never be truely happy.

Plus, I hate school. I mean, I get through it and I have gone everyday and all that...but I know that every single person there thinks of me as "that" girl. I will always be the girl with the eating disorder. I could go on and on showing them that I am better and that there's nothing wrong with me anymore, but they will still remember the past. They won't forget how I used to be. I'm tired of trying to fight with the ghosts of my past.

I want to go somewhere where people don't know the person I used to be. Then they will have to get to know me just as I am, and once they like me for me...then I can tell them about my past. First they will know me as Jen...just Jen. Then I can tell them more about me...which will hopefully just make them think I'm stronger...maybe. That's or seriously messed up.

Plus the eating disorder thoughts have been coming back at full force. I have not done a thing to act on them and I don't plan to. But I just hate having the voice back in my head. It was so nice over the summer being alone and just not having to worry about it 24/7. I mean, the thoughts aren't as bad as they once were, but they're definitely there. I just want them to leave for good again. I mean, what did I do to deserve them to come back in the first place? I've been doing everything in my power to make sure that I follow my mealplan and that I stay at a healthy weight.JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY. For good.

I'm going to be ok. I promise you that. But there are some things I have to change first before I think I can truely be happy.

Well hello there!

This weekend was half good and half not so good...

Softball was the not so good half...For some reason my coach would only let me hit and not let me play in the field. But I did get moved up to number 5 batter which isn't too shabby. I just hate sitting on the bench because it makes me feel as though I'm not really part of the team. but I know that the girls that were there all winter should get more playing time...it's just hard.

The better part of my weekend was my birthday!

The thing that made my whole birthday was my present from Lauren. I can't even explain how much it meant to me. I got home to a decorated room, 16 roses, and a build-a-bear (which I have never had before and have always wanted!) The card she left for me made me laugh and cry at the same time and I still have the balloons floating right where she left them. Lauren, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.

My team also made a big deal out of my birthday. One of my teammates made me a cake, but I just made a big show of cutting it and handing it out to everyone so I wouldn't have to have a piece. I also got some sunglasses from New York from Kate and a $40 gift certifacate to Brookfield Sqaure. Sweeeeeeet.

Also my uncle came!! When I saw him walking up I screamed and ran up to give him the biggest hug ever. I missed him so much these past couple of months and I have really needed him to be there, but he said that he was trying to give me my space. I didn't want space...

:-)Jen out


Oh oh oh...one more thing. I have a secret plan for this weekend...I have to go up north for 4th of july with a bunch of people, including the guy I like, Josh. Saturday EVERYONE is going to be there, but on Friday night, when we are going up, it's only going to be my family and Josh's family. I plan on talking to one of my really good guy friends, that's going to be up there with Josh, about how I like him...TIME I TOOK SOME INIATIVE. Wish me luck ::crosses finger::

Hmmmm...

Well my mom and I decided that I haven't been eating as much as I should be. Not that I have been doing bad because I have only been a couple hundred short.

I've been getting in about 1400 and we decided that I at least need around 1600-1650. So today I have added something to my breakfast and lunch and we will see how that works out. So far I'm completely stuffed...but what's new.

The thing that scares me though, is that we aren't weighing me anymore. It was just too anxeity-provoking. It was too much to think about everyday and all the time and feeling like I had to restrict both my food and water intake before I stepped on the scale.

The past couple of nights have been hard. For some reason I get the most depressed at night time, but I am working on it. I refuse to give up now. I've come too damn far.

So exhausted...can barely type...::falls to the floor::

So we had a game at 11 this morning and we won that one, no problem. Then we had another one at 2:30. We lost - which really sucks because if we would have won, we would have been in the championship. Oh well...next time. There was 24 teams in the tournament and we came in 4th...not too shabby.

Lauren~ It's almost been 2 weeks since I have seen you. I know you don't believe me, but I am going through Lauren withdrawls..shaky hands, bad headaches...the whole works. Remember, whenever you go to see Dr.Hamilton (who still hasn't emailed me) you can always justs top by before or after to say hi. My parents are ALWAYS asking about you.

Alex~ You're bday is coming up! Which means that mine is only a couple of days after! So friggin excited, can barely contain myself. I miss you so much, which is why I am counting down the days until Saturday. Your party is going to kick some major ass.

I just want the two of you to know how much I missed you this weekend. I was with my team, and I love them all to death, but they are nothing compared to you guys. I was kind of in a funk this weekend and I didn't know why. I know I should have been happy because I was playing and that's all that really matters, but I was just not feeling too confident and very self-consious and, well, just wasn't in the greatest mood. But I didn't have anyone to really talk to because no one understands like the two of you do. You two are the only ones who can cheer me up in 5 seconds flat. All I need to do is be around you and *BOOM* all is ok.

I HIT A BALL TO THE FENCE!!!!!!!:-)

Lauren said it was time for an update so here we go...

To the two best friends in the world...right now you are both trying to lose weight. I am not trying to be a hyprocrite, but I am begging you to stop this bullshit now.

#1: Lauren you are friggin gorgeous. I have thought this since that first day I met you in the hospital. I looked at you and I was instantly jealous...even though I felt a pull towards you and I knew that we would end up being friends. You have the perfect body. Those pictures that you posted in your lj...no. The first one, how tall is she? Like 5'1''? We're both taller and we have more to fill out...it's just reality. And the second one...did you find that on some pro-ana site? That's how things used to be for me. DISGUSTING. No one wants to look at that because it almost hurts to look at something like that. People are afraid that you might keel over and die any second...I love you with all of my heart and I just want you to stay you because that's the best anyone could ever be...

#2: My Alex-boo. Where in the world have these ED thoughts come from? You have always been the person who told me that being disgustingly skinny isn't attractive, and I would look so much better if I put on some more weight. You always told me that no guy would ever want me being so thin. So what happened? Just because your mother and grandmother have/had a terrible disease doesn't mean that you are going to get it. It may be in your genes, but you can fight it. Like I said, I have alcoholism in my genes, but that doesn't mean I am going to become and alcoholic. Not if I watch myself and stay true to who I really am. You're drop-dead gorgeous. BEAUTIFUL. You have so many qualities and that I wish i could possess. Please believe me...

You guys...this is how it starts...just trying to lose weight. Soon it escalates into something that you can't control anymore. Believe me...I more better than anyone.

I love you both with all of my heart...

Alrighty, it's been a while since I have posted anything in here so...let's make it a doozy.

I have offically been discharged from the hospital a week and a day. A couple of weeks ago I was scared shitless of being released from the program, but I have to give myself credit...I'm actually doing really well. I have been following the meal plans that I have made out for myself and my mom weighed me and I have stayed about exactly the same which really helps to calm my nerves. I have been making nutritious meals for the family every night (all by myself, thank you) and I feel like I might be in control again.

I got to see Lauren last Saturday night when we babysat the Ms.Diva Ava. Then on Sunday night when we went mini golfing/ batting cages and then hung out with my parents and played Scene It :-) (Yeah you know you're jealous) Then I made a HUGE step by having her sleep over on Tuesday night. I can't even remember the last time I had a sleepover. Years ago. But it all went smoothly and we even ate breakfast together in the morning =)

Now my Alex-boo. I MISS YOU! (haha that rhymes!) I just wanted to thank you for still contacting me while you were so sick this week. That means alot to me that you felt like death, but you would still pick up the phone to text me. You should come to my tournament next weekend -That goes for you too Lauren-

Tomorrow I have my first softball practice that I will be having in 10 months. I am ready to pee my pants because I am so nervous. Yes Alex, I know I am doing this for myself, but I want to impress people and show them that even though I have/had a disorder, I was still able to rise above it and become great again.

I have exams this week and they are going to kick my ass. My parents say that are perfectly fine with my failing all of them becuase barely any of the teachers gave me shit to do these past couple of months...but somehow I still got the student achievement award!?!?!?

Well only 2 people can read this and I love you both with all of my heart <3

I'M GET DISCHARGED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can I not get the thought of going back to a couple of months ago out of my head. All I can think about these days is getting out of the hospital and starting to restrict agai. I mean, who can really stop me?

When I talk to my parents about this, all they say is that if I lose more than 5 lbs once I get out that they are taking me righ tback in anad not giving me a second chance, and just putting the feeding tube in me. Yeah doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me.

Today Dr. Patel started me on Xanax for when my anxeity attacks come. I took one for the first time this afternoon and it completely knocked me out like klonopin used to. Made the afternoon go a little bit faster which was nice. Plus Dr.Patel is starting me on a new anxiety med tomorrow that starts with a r but I can't remember the name. All medication names are like googblygaic.

But I get to see my Alex and my Lauren this weekend so I am really excited. Don't worry Alex, I am already trying to think of hairstyles and all that!

Jen out

NEITHER LAUREN OR ALEX WERE AT THE FRIGGIN HOSPITAL TODAY. Alrighty guys, do you understand that you left me with both Joleen and Donna (I know you're both favorite people)ALONE!! Guys I need you there with me! Lauren your ass better be next to mine tomorrow or I am going to freak out!!

I offically decided today that I am done with all of this.

I called my mom this afternoon from the hospital telling her I had made a decision and she was going to have to respect that. I have decided that I want to go back ot how things used to be 3 months ago. I want my old life back. And I am going to get it back.

So I am going to try and get discharged from the hospital as soon as possible, and then start working to get my old life back...

Did pretty much nothing yesterday. I did go to my mom's boss's house to see her twins. One of them is actually named after me. jennifer Rose. Cute, huh?

Today I might do something with Lauren, but my anxeity about it is getting pretty bad. Not because I dont want to see her, but because I'm afraid of what she's going to think when she sees me because she hasn't seen me in so long. Will she think I've blown up and be disgusted? Will she be able to notice the changes in me?

Might go and see that Flight something or another movie today about 9/11. I think it looks really good and I think it's' stupid how people boycott going to it because they don't want to re-live what happened. IT HAPPENED. It was something real. Don't pretend like it just didn't happen.

Again it's only 7:30 and I'm already wide awake. Maybe I do need some sleeping medicine. After talking with Lauren last night it took me forever to fall back asleep...

I love Alex and Lauren like there's no tomorrow!!

Alright, there's a problem when I wake up every morning wanting to sleep but I can't...normal teenagers sleep like there's no tomorrow, and I can barely get a good night's sleep...

Getting ready for another day at the hospital. I have a family session this morning at 9. That should be a a grand ol' time. I'm really sick of family sessions. We do the same thign every time. I say that I am feeling hopeless and like everything isn't gettign any better and then Jim and my parents try to convince me that things will eventually get better...but when I ask you?

Plus today is weigh in day...God help me. I am so nervous. I really don't wan tto gain weight this morning. Because if I do it's just going to make eating this weekend that much harder. I am so sick of this shit...

Having a major meltdown right now. (god how I want to post something goodon here one day but I am just waiting for a day when I actually feel good)

Major anxiety attack. I've been hysterically crying and yelling and my mom seems like she can'thandle it anymore. Says she isn't giving up and she wont let me go back...but god how I want to go back to how things used to be. I want to start all over again...

My parents and the hospital have been talking and in a ocuple of weekes when I get discharged, when I come home, if I start refusing to eat...my parents can just take me back to the hospital to have the tube inserted in me. I don't want the tube....

When I went to Gigi's funeral 3 weeks ago an extended cousin was there. She also has anorexia and she had a tube up her nose that she wears ALL THE TIME. She goes around in publis with it and I wanted so much to talk to her because I am in the same postition as she is but I was too afraid. But I can't believe that she had the strength to go around all the time with the tube so visible. I would never be able to do that.

Waiting for that good day...